How to Support a Friend or Loved One Newly Diagnosed with HIV — May 6, 2019
By Scott, HIV+ Advocate, Writer & Clare Housing Resident
When you find out a friend or family member was recently diagnosed with HIV, it’s natural to want to know how you can support them. I have put some ideas together for you based on resources available to you, and also on my personal experience as someone living with the virus.
Tip 1: Educate Yourself
First, I feel it is important for you to educate yourself. Even if you *think* you understand what HIV is all about, a lot has changed over the years. Educate yourself on current information on what’s new with HIV today. There’s a lot of bad information out there, use reputable sources like the ones that I am listing here:
Online Resources:
- Minnesota Health Department
- Centers for Disease Control & Prevention HIV Basics
- The HIV.gov website
- San Francisco AIDS Foundation HIV 101
Local In-person Resources:
- Just Us Health AIDSline, 612-373-2437
- The Aliveness Project, 612.824.LIFE (5433)
These are sources of both information and support that I find myself using that are helpful as time goes by! After you’ve taken the first step to educate yourself, go to your friend or family member and ask them what they want in the form of support from you.
Tip 2: Create a Safe Space to Talk about HIV.
Encourage the person to get involved with his or her own care. People like to feel in charge of their own affairs, so even if you’re offering physical care to a loved one or friend diagnosed with HIV, it’s important to let them know that you want to listen to them and respect their choices. Maybe they don’t want to talk. But let them know you are always going to be there for them when they do want to talk.
Create an environment in which the person with HIV feels comfortable talking about both the physical and emotional aspects of HIV. It’s not necessary or even possible for you to resolve all of your loved one’s or friend’s problems, and any attempt to do so will likely end in frustration for both of you.
Tip 3: Remember They’re Still the Same Person. They May Need Help Connecting with Others Now More than Ever.
Listening thoroughly is an important part of supporting someone with HIV. Connect the person with HIV to friends. Clarify and be respectful of who they want to be “out” to about their status. It should be up to them to make that decision. Regardless, you can still make an effort to invite friends and family to visit individuals with living HIV as often as possible. Isolation is a big epidemic in long-term HIV survivor’s population.
Tip 4: Be Mindful of Our Boundaries.
A college professor I once had made the statement, “We don’t fear the dark. We fear the things we can’t see in the dark.” And so it is with living with HIV. We don’t necessarily fear the disease itself, but we can continually worry about what the disease may be doing to us. Do we really want to dwell on what could go wrong with living with HIV? How it will/does affect us and our relationships? Do we want to dwell on how it’s affecting our finances? Our overall well-being? I would venture to say we have other things we’d rather dwell on
Someone once said that worry robs today of its joy. Isn’t that the truth! When I start to think about things that are better left un-thought, my mood can plummet. When I begin to take a downward spiral with worry and let fear have its heyday, I do whatever it takes to get out of my head. I get up and I get out. I get busy. Help your friend to take a drive, a walk, or go be around others in some way. This is easy for me to say. But those you are supporting may not want to get up and get out or stay busy.
Tip 5: If You’re Care-taking, Remember How Much You Matter. Give Yourself a Break!
I will say to you take a break from those you support if you’re seeing them every day. Smile often and may your challenging days be met with great discovery and glory. Finally remember to remind yourself how much your support matters to your loved one today, tomorrow, and every day that follows.